And He said unto them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature" - Mark 16:15

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Disappointed in Myself

FYI - this post will be boring to most (similar to all the rest, lol). It is church stuff. This is more of a 'dear diary' for myself. So skip over this one people.

I am disappointed in myself. I am so busy during the day, and when I do get free time what do I do? I get on the computer! Why? Sadly I am addicted. I am the gossipy type. Not the type to gossip behind someones back - but the kind that just likes to talk too much. I want to know what's going on in the world. I like knowing what's going on w/all my mommy friends across this earth. I like reading up on all my sites & blogs. I don't know why I can't pry myself off of the computer. I keep telling myself, "There is so many other things that you could be doing"... but I stay glued to the computer.

So. What should I be doing? Well that list could go on & on... What I have slacked on is reading. Reading God's Word. Praying. And my kids. I have been putting the blame on church. (I still am) But I know I need to suck it up and accept the fact that I have also become lazy.

I am not happy at church. Haven't been in a really long time. That in itself is a really long story. I'll try to make it as short as I can but y'all know it won't be short... 'Our' church is the church that Mike grew up in. His father & step-mother are the pastors. Mike started preaching back in 2001 (or 2002). That church is 'home' to him. We both have been teaching for a few years too. I started teaching the pre/kinder Sunday School class while Mike taught the teen Sunday School class. Then after a couple years, I moved into the teen class with Mike. We made a great team teaching together! Back a few years ago as Mike & I were studying we realized half of the message being taught is not what we believed. The other half of the message the church taught we did agree with, but it was not good enough. We needed more. We needed to grow. We needed to be fed by someone other than ourselves. We were studying for hours each day & learning sooo much & it was great! But we knew we couldn't stay at that church. Over time & alot of discussion with Mike's parents, we left. We went to a church that taught what we believed to be truth. And finally we were being fed! We would leave church and go home to continue studying what we had learned that day in service. It was great! Unfortunately we only stayed there for one year. Mike's 'home' church was losing a co-pastor. Mike's dad asked him to come back. He needed the help. He needed another preacher. Through alot more discussion... we went back. *sigh* And slowly, slowly, slowly... I am bored. The church is very small as it is. The people are set in their ways. They don't want to learn more. They don't want to do more. They are satisfied with what they have. They only want to be seen on Sunday & make their presence known. There is no praise & worship. People are dead. They sit in their pew's and look like they are zombies. Where is the joy? Don't we all have so much to praise God for? Doesn't He deserve our praise & worship? He died for us! Why can't we stand up and show Him how much we love him? I don't understand. All I know is I miss praise & worship in the other church. And other churches that we have visited. People have issues with each other & they let it show. Certain people will not come to church depending on who is preaching that day. Why? Are we coming to church to lift up man? Or The Man? A certain music person refuses to sing if he finds out a certain person is preaching. How is that possible? So we have changed things around a little. We have started bringing in music. Really good praise & worship music. Music that will invite the Holy Spirit to our service! Not bluegrass songs about 'mama dying or daddy working in the coal mines'. Songs about Jesus! Songs about His Amazing Grace! It is a slow process. I know God is going to separate the wheat from the tares. And when this process is done... God will send people IN! But Wow.Is.This.A.Slow.Process. And in the mean time, I am dying. I feel almost lifeless. I am bored.

I stopped reading. I pray. But most of my prayer is repenting & thanksgiving. I sure don't feel worthy enough to ask anything of God! My prayer life is not what it used to be. I guess I should say, my 'relationship' is not what it used to be. I never thought I would let myself slip like this. I thought I was strong enough to not let this happen! I used to study all week long to prepare for my teen class. I did recently quit teaching do to my Gracie. I gave it my best shot... but Gracie missing her morning nap makes it impossible to teach a class over her screaming! But before that - for the past 6 months or longer have not even studied for Sunday School class! I would think in my head of a good lesson... arrive at church Sunday morning & flip through my bible to find the book to teach out of. Horrible! Just horrible! I have not taught or discussed anything with my kids in just as long! That makes me mad! I have a bunch of books I ordered months ago that I really wanted to read along with my kids... have I? No. Why? I am so lazy! And dried up! It doesn't even cross my mind until some time like the very end of my night after my kids are in bed. I haven't prayed with them in about a month. We pray every night before bed. They will still ask. But I say, "I'll be there in a minute"... and I forget. I even started this blog for all my bible studying - kinda like a place to jot down all that is in my head. I always had so much on my mind & wanted to learn so much more. But since I started this blog...I've become bored. It is sad! I only have a few posts. There is so much more on my mind that I want to put in it. I just haven't 'gotten around' to it yet. So I won't even share my blog with anyone yet until I get it built up. Embarrassing! What is wrong with me? I need to get myself back on track with God.

I just don't know where to begin. I am kinda lost. My life with Jesus right now reminds me of the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns:

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